I struggle to remain calm. I take deep breathes. In and Out! In and Out! My heart races like I have been in a marathon even though I have not moved a muscle! I search for an exit, a quick getaway but everything is sealed. It’s like a prison…a prison that I alone am in! I am in a crowd and I try to smile and seem normal like everything is well and right in the world (my world) when all I want to do is run screaming at the top of my lungs “I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS”!! Oh, why can’t the floor just swallow me up now? Why do I have to face anyone? The walls are closing in, panic is setting in, the tears are starting to flow no matter how hard I try to hold them in. One tear slips down my cheek and then the river has started. I frantically search for a way to hide. I am filled with grief, heartache, longing for an escape, an escape from something I have created.
Do you ever feel like you are drowning in your circumstances? That one wrong move and you fall over the ledge of sanity and into the deep abyss of panic, emotions, etc. Feeling the waves crash over you! That if you can only hold it together a few more minutes everything will be okay?
You are not alone.
I have been able to control my grief more now. The grief of what is lost and can never be returned to me! Time heals some things, but not all. You only experience true healing when you seek out and find God waiting for you with open arms. He gives you strength when you need it and forgiveness for all things when you come to Him with an open heart, open mind, and open hands. I have handed it all to God!! He is my refuge! He is the one I look too! He is the one I share everything with!
When I was able to surrender all that I am, all that I wanted to be, all of who I thought I was, every last bit (even the dark places and shadows that I refuse to visit) HE met me there. In my brokenness, HE bent down grabbed my hand and rescued me. He gave me strength to overcome and break free of my prison walls, the walls of my own mind and heart. He does not care that I have nothing figured out, that I am struggling daily with my identity, my parenting, my emotions, my longings for more children, my fertility struggles, my need for control, my prayer life, and the list can go on. He saw my dirty rags and came to make them clean. God spoke to my heart in my very deepest moment of drowning in sorrow and grief and I clung to every word.
“I am with you wherever you go! No matter how far you run from me and hide, I will always find you and rescue you. You are my child, a part of me made in my image! How can I leave you precious daughter?”
When those words broke through my pain I held on to them. They are buried so deep within me that I delight in the Lord no matter what my world looks like; No matter how I am feeling; No matter what I am facing. See I am no longer alone in my pain and self-doubt! He is with me always and for every second of the day I can turn to Him. He has heard ever silent prayer, every gut-wrenching emotion, every single tear that has fallen has been caught in His hand. He is there with me even when I am silent! He is there when I am too weak to move a muscle. He says that I do not have to deal with it all that I just need to give it all to Him. That he will carry my cross so I can find joy within Him and His love for me.