Fear of Everything
I’m going to be completely honest. I did not want to blog this week. In fact, I couldn’t think of a single thing that I wanted to write about and just wasn’t “feeling it”. So, on my scheduled day (yesterday), I didn’t. I figured no one would care anyway. Totally the enemy playing on my emotions.
This morning, as I was laying in bed, I basically had a slap in the face of all the different ways that I live in fear. It hit me then… God, why didn’t I ask what you wanted me to write about? If I’m supposed to write about fear, you have to give me a little more.
Well, He did. I opened Facebook only to have the first several posts be scripture posts from others about fear. Then my memories came up, and wouldn’t you know that years ago, on this day, I shared a scripture about fear. Ok God, I get it. You want me to share. Even if it’s just for one person, you want me to share.
I am terrified of almost everything. Like, literally. I literally pray everywhere I am driving because I am terrified that I’ll be in a wreck and someone will die or be seriously injured. Every. Single. Day. You see, as a teenager I lost several friends in car accidents, and it instilled a tremendous fear inside of me that everyone eventually will die in a car accident. No matter how over the top that may sound to you, I saw the bodies of 8 friends in caskets before I was 20 years old. That’s way too many to not leave an imprint. I would go overboard about being angry if I rode in the car with someone who was an unsafe driver or that I felt could be impaired in any way. As a teenager, my friends never thought about this, and some would get offended that I wouldn’t ride with them. I didn’t care. I didn’t want my parents to go through what my friend’s parents had been through.
My senior year in school, a classmate lost his dad, and this man was younger than my parents. His death rattled me because I had become accustomed to so many dying, that I began to cling to my parents and pray over their mortality everyday. Then only a few years later, I lost 7 other friends and family members. You read that correctly… 7! Going to funerals no longer effected me in the same way that it did others. Sure, sometimes I cried if it was someone close to me, but I have kind of felt dead inside towards funerals since. It’s just another part of life, as scared of it as I have always been.
Death was always ugly and unkind in my eyes. It wasn’t until I saw a loved one suffering for years that I realized that sometimes, God’s mercy is in receiving that person unto Himself to heal them in Heaven with Him. If His purpose does not include healing here on Earth, then by His mercy, He brings us into His loving arms. This gave me a less fearful way to look at death.
Ok, so you thought that was all I feared, nope! Not even close. I have always been terrified of the unknown. I like to have a plan. I like to have all the possibilities of every scenario played out in my head so that I am prepared for the worst possible scenario.
For instance, I often lay in bed and think about what I would do to protect my children if there was an intruder. I have played out this scenario so many times in my head that it’s ridiculous.
When I am in the vicinity of a bank, I think of all the possibilities of the bank being robbed. If I’m inside, I pick out every exit, every hiding spot, and the fastest way to try to get to safety within the first minute of stepping inside. If I’m in the drive-thru, I grasp my phone in my hands just in-case I need to call 911 because of what I see inside. I watch the cars in the parking lot to see if anyone looks suspicious, like the get-away driver.
I do the same thing when I am checking out at stores, because, who doesn’t? Oh, that’s right, not most people.
I pass a cop and feel like I need to smile as big as possible and wave just so they know I am an upstanding citizen and not robbing anything or being shady. Yet again, I thought everyone felt that way until I said something to my hubby about it.
Fear. Constant worry.
I fear about my health. What if my back gets worse and I can’t take care of myself or my children one day? Will my husband leave me because this isn’t what he signed up? Will I be able to serve some purpose for God if I can’t serve my family? Will I become so depressed that I turn into an ugly shell of myself? What if my kids don’t get to go on walks with me because I can’t physically do that? What if I can’t play with my kids?
These are my constant thoughts. I feel like I have to apologize constantly to my husband that he ended up with a “broken” wife. That’s how I feel. I feel like my head and body are broken.
Who wants to live in fear all the time? It’s maddening.
Who wants to be tied down to someone who is always terrified?
I know that the enemy has played with my thoughts long enough. I know that I have to let go of all of these questions and fears. I know that God is for me and not against me. I know that I am a child of the King. I know that I have purpose. I know that my husband loves me, faults and all. I know that I am a good mom and that my children love me.
I don’t ever want my fears to pass onto my children. I don’t want them to be scared of everything. I want them to have a life with peace of mind and a total reliance on God’s goodness. Thank God they have such a good Heavenly Father and earthly father who doesn’t share my fears.
Everyday I try to move forward in peace of mind through God’s grace. It hasn’t been easy, but in my toughest days physically after my son was born last year, I learned that I had to let go of everything because I have control of nothing except how I react. I hope that if you struggle with fear and anxiety, that you will seek out to find the peace that passes all understanding, only found through Jesus. He is my strength and my Prince of Peace.